SO, today I walked out into the bright sunshine... though there was still a chill in the air.. and Jaycon and I went for a drive... blarred the radio and sang all the time... and I thought looking over the rolling hills and tree filled moutains... what do I really want...

Well, I know you all know I want real love, but do you know what it means to me? I have been thinking about it a lot... and I have began to understand I am doomed... I want something that noone in the earth can give me... lol... stupid fairytales and blah...

Anyways... what I want...

I want for a man to be able to walk behind me and wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck, hold me close within him and smile knowing I love him as much as he loves me...

I want a man who even if he is busy... can smile accross the room, a smile just for me... and I know it, even if he can not talk to me or hold me or kiss me, if he is busy with his life as I sometimes will be busy with mine...

I want a man who can hold my hand and not be afraid of what others will say... and just say she is my one... and I am her one as well, there is no need to hid...

I want a man who can leave me a note when he will not be home till late... "I love you baby, and will think of you... till I kiss you again... "

I want a man who is not afraid to talk to me... tell me his heart... his soul and trust that I can love him enough to understand... even if it is bad... love does conquer all...

I want a man who is not afraid to take it out on me... when the world is closing around on him... I am there to be his shelter... his shining light no matter the issue....

I want to be the one to make him feel safe, and secure and I want him to do the same for me... To be my shelter as I would always be for him....

I want him to see me... not look through me... not be scared of me... not be so superficial to get me... I know so many think I am pretty but shit I am me... I hate being seen like that.. I am not like that...

I want to cuddle... and lay together and talk to the wee hours if we can not sleep... I want to be with him, alive for him, the the calm in his storm, the anchor that holds him from going insane, and him to be mine...

I want to be the one he can not wait to kiss good morning and good night and if he can't he dreams about it...

I want him to love my kids.. as a part of me.. not see them as something he has to deal with till they are gone... stupid asses they will never be gone...

I want to be his beginning and end and end and beginning and all between, I want him to know I would die for him, and there is nothing I would not do...

There is so much to say but the tears are catching my eyes and I need to stop now... I need to just have fun.. I also want him to understand that... I have bounderies... so far before it is time to let me calm myself :D

I want the impossible lol... Shit why am I me... I hate my life sometimes so much..