Well since you all can tell I have not been on here in a long time.. well my mother passed away.. and I have not began to figure out how to deal with it... I have noone to really rely on or trust or ever talk to who does not need me for their own reasons.. so I mean what am I to do... There really has not been one single person in my life that will just be here for me with geniune caring.. you know... It is kinda hard to be alone in a world full of people who say they are friends and only use you.. cause the second you need them they are not there...

Then I suppose it is strange that I seem to miss one of my online friends sometimes and way more then most only cause it is intellegent convo not oh you this and that and so on ... it is like not silly converstations most the time... so yeah i like talking about thoughts... it is interesting .. and i could really care less who the hell bach is and what he is, or that he is a he... if he were i she it would be okay too... i do wonder what he thinks of some poems, and what jane austin, and how his take on things in that all goes... though i never ask cause I mean... you know... which seems funny cause I ask all my other friends what they think of tons of things in book and movies and music and poems.... lol ... I guess i am to scared to ask ... cause he writes... lol... which really I could care less about... hell we all write.. even i write... not so good tonight cause it is late and I am tired and thinking about my mother and a ton of other stuff...

So Lee Evan... here is another thing... what is up with that.. I sometimes think my days are numbered my mother just died.. my first love is talking to me everyday now... and I have nothing.. I mean I know that is sad and I will always love him to death... but what do I have to give him.. I have nothing to give anyone..

I am just old and have the kids and am here living like a fucking zombie... all I do is for others.. I never have a moment to live my life ... at all.. watch my dogs, can you take me here or there, blah use blah... I am so tired of it all... and yet I am the one being screwed over... and I am the one always alone... so I guess I am sick of trying and people shit and being used... I know a lot of you will wonder why I think this but you all do not know my life...

Sometimes I just want to just be like fuck it all.. and fuck everyone... well I am off to sleep... no intresting conversations to be had and nothing to do but watch a stupid movie and sleep...

Night ... sorry been gone so long :(